Sunday, March 05, 2006

Lawmakers (R) Seek to Outlaw Dildos

The Dire Problem of Dildos in Tennessee

Apparently, lawmakers in this impoverished red state can't find enough serious problems to address, so they've turned their minds to sex, specifically sex toys.

For unknown reasons, State Senator Charlotte Burks (DINO) and State Rep. Eric Swafford (R) have been thinking a lot about the activities going on your bedroom. They have come to the conclusion that Tennessee will be a better place to live if the state regulates your bedroom by outlawing dildos.

Dildos today, mandatory missionary position tomorrow. We think it's high time the Republican party considers a name change. We suggest the Victorian Party, along with a campaign slogan of: Vote for a Victorian, and Say Hello to the Peeping Tom State in Your Bedroom.

It's true that Burks calls herself a Democrat, but in this state the Democratic party is over-run with Republicans.

If the Victorians have their way, it will soon become a crime to sell, advertise, publish, or exhibit dildos in this red state. Presumably "exhibit" is what happens when more than one person is caught in the vicinity of a dildo. The lawmakers are willing to permit some exceptions, such as the study of dildos by college students and professors. Were you looking for a subject for your Master's thesis? Interviewing lawmakers on this touchy subject could prove highly stimulating.

HB3798 and SB3794
Abstract: Obscenity and Pornography - Creates Class A misdemeanor offenses of distributing unlawful sexual devices and wholesale distributing of unlawful sexual devices.

If you'd like to better understand this important issue of the day, email your Victorian lawmakers to find out everything you ever wanted to know about the dire problem of dildos in Tennessee:

Sen. Charlotte Burks
Rep. Eric Swafford

UPDATE: If you haven't seen the General's helpful letter to Rep. Swafford, which suggests the following stipulation: "Nothing in this bill prevents Bill O'Reilly from bringing his ReamMaster 5000 into the state as long as it is for his own personal use." -- you can see it at Jesus General.