Friday, May 04, 2007

Ten White Men and They Call it the Republican Debate

Ten White Men Stage An Obscenely White Male Game Show and They Call it the Republican Debate.

I tried, but I couldn't find the one who is not a Bush clone. Ten straight old white men vying to be the next president -- and the Republican Party doesn't even have the sense to be embarrassed. For gawd's sake, even the questioners were white men!

But hey, they were thinking and talking about the rest of us. Were your ears burning?

They talked about women. Nine out of ten of the men were ecstatic at the thought of overturning Roe v. Wade. Sen. Sam Brownback said that the day Roe was overturned would be a "Glorious day of human liberty and freedom."

Yeah, well, there's nothing new about women being excluded from the bounds of "human liberty and freedom."

The other white man, Giuliani said overturning Roe would be "okay." Giuliani added, "I hate abortion. . . But since it is an issue of conscience, I would respect a woman's right to make a different choice." Presumably, America's Mayor means that if you find yourself having an illegal and unsafe abortion, well, he'll still respect you afterwards.

They talked about gays. Tommy Thompson said everybody and his brother has the right to fire you if you are gay and because you are gay. On the subject of gay rights, Tommy T. makes Bush look like a flaming LGBT studies scholar!

They talked about women who abstain from matrimony, but not motherhood.

Tommy Thompson, famed terrorizer of mothers and children on welfare, despises single mothers, or "out-of-wedlock" births. Elect him and it will be okay to fire single moms.

They talked about Hillary Clinton. She tried to socialize health care! And she's married to Bill! All ten white men apparently agree that Hillary and Bill in the White House would be their worst nightmare. Maybe even worse than Islamic fascists in the White House!

They talked about Islamic fascists. Mike Huckabee said "we" are better than Islamic fascists because "we" are a "culture of life," and unlike Islamic fascists "we" don't strap bombs to the bellies of children. He's right. This is America -- "we" drop our bombs on children from airplanes. Cuz that's how you do it in a culture of life.

They talked about Osama bin Laden. McCain seethed on cue that he will follow Osama "to the gates of hell." The most notable thing about McCain was his forced display of anger and passion. He should have popped some Viagra before the debate. He was out to prove that he's not really old, tired, and boring, but he proved that he is a bad actor.

They talked about tax cuts. Gawd, they love tax cuts! And next to tax cuts, they love Ronald Reagan. They talked about Ronald Reagan 19 times.

And the surprise of the night ---- Only Three Republican Candidates Do Not Believe in Evolution! Or so they said. The unsurprising, or honest, three would be Brownback, Tancredo and Huckabee.

And the winner is: Romney wins the Drudge poll with 35%. (Romney was there?!?) Giuliani wins 2nd place with 20%, and McCain is a pathetic number three with 6%. But wait, an instant SurveyUSA poll declares Giuliani to be the winner! But wait, over at Redstate, the winner is Fred Thompson!

The comedic value of the 1950s style affair was the only thing that kept me awake. This old time party has got to be on its death throes. I vote we laugh it out of existence. And while the ten white men sort of debated, planes circled the Reagan Library outside with banners reading: "Republicans, Mission Accomplished?" and "McCain, Mission Accomplished?"