Thursday, July 20, 2006

Lincoln Logs

by MzNicky

Yesterday astute TGW commenter King Spirula brought to our attention this interesting bit of C-Span footage from Tuesday’s US House debate on the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. (Yes, the one that, having already been voted down in the Senate, had no possible chance of ever becoming law, but what the hell.) In this clip we see Tennessee’s own Lincoln Davis (D-Dumbass) calling for the sort of modifications to the proposed ban that, at first blush, would make every hungry-for-truth-even-or-perhaps-especially-if-it’s-couched-in-parody progressive’s heart leap with joy that such a brilliantly conceived and executed bit of political satire had actually emanated from our own glorious border state.

Thus spake Mr. Lincoln Logs:

“Marriage is for life, and this amendment needs to include that basic tenet. Therefore, Mr. Speaker, I think we should expand the scope of this amendment to outlaw divorce in this country.

“I believe in fidelity. Adultery is an evil that threatens marriage ... how can we as a country allow adulterers to go unpunished ... and make a mockery of marriage? ... This is why I think the amendment should outlaw adultery and make it a felony.

Oh, sweet! Someone finally gets that it’s not the dreaded homosexuals and their nefarious agenda that “threatens” the “sanctity of marriage”! And he’s sarcastically throwing it in their hypocritical mugs! And he’s from Tennessee!

But Davis’s edgy presentation got even better:

“We should also prevent those who commit adultery, or get a divorce, from running for office.”

(Let’s pause for a moment here and savor the tantalizing prospect of, for only one of so many examples, the thrice-married Newt Gingrich being legislatively thwarted from ever inflicting his odiousness on the public stage again. Go, Lincoln, go!)

Well, I’m of course not the only one for whom the hypothetical convergence of “Tennessee politician” and “brilliant satire” automatically threw up about a million red flags. As these subsequent comments at Think Progress show, many were left wondering if Davis had been engaging in a breathtakingly fresh bit of hypocrisy-exposing theater, or if, as many fearfully—and, as it turns out, wisely—theorized, he was actually serious.

The savvier progressives among us already suspected the worst. But just to make sure, I called Davis’s D.C. office for confirmation. Yes indeedy, Rep. Davis was totally serious, I was cheerily assured by one of the Congressman’s minions. The aide went on to explain that, as Davis represents the rural areas of Columbia, Rockwood, and McMinnville, “eighty percent” of whom, I was advised, support the gay-marriage ban, it was necessary that he explain his unfortunately unsatirical position for the record. Even though, as the aide also helpfully pointed out, the vote was moot anyway.

Which, naturally, didn’t stop Davis from proceeding to vote for the totally timewasting, not to mention disgusting, bill, and which would explain a final comment of his House performance that in retrospect should have been the dead giveaway:

”If we want those watching on C-Span to actually believe we are serious about protecting marriage, then we should go after the other major threats to the institution. Not just the threat that homosexuals may some day be allowed to marry in a state other than Massachusetts.

Like, heaven forbid, in Tennessee, for instance.

Note to non-Tennessee readers: If you think our Democrats are bad, you should get a load of our Republicans.